NDE'ers in Grief and NDE Needs versus Wants

QUESTION:

"I am slowing losing my own Dad (and closest friend) to lymphoma right now, and we expect him to lose his battle some time this year.

"If only our NDE knowledge-base could protect us from the devastating grief and loss. When I lost my Mother to a car accident in 2001, it wasn't her 'glorious homecoming in heaven' that became my primary focus. I was too fixated upon the 'horrible departure' that tore my Mother from us. Even after all these years, it is the fact that she has departed from us for the rest of our lives (and not the fact that he has arrived), which remains my primary focus. I wish it could be otherwise. So, I have concluded that there is no real advantage in believing that our departed loved ones live on after death. It is the same loss whether or not we believe in an afterlife or not.

"By the way, I was surprised to learn on the Internet that Juliet Nightingale passed away [a well known near-death experiencer who conducted a radio talk show]. Anyway, life and death are illusions."...Kevin R.

ANSWER:

I put a memorial to Juliet on my website, as well as one for Leslee Morabito, one of the shinning lights during the early days of near-death research. She worked in the tiny office of IANDS when it was located at the University of Connecticut. We've been losing a lot of greats lately. If you've watched the news, you've seen this to be true across the board, and in everyday homes everywhere, especially the young.

Let me say, Kevin R., that grieving is normal and healthy. We should grieve. If we don't, problems will arise later on that could have been avoided had we sobbed, railed against what seemed unfair, and faced the "hole" in our heart and called it for what it is. I have learned this - to allow myself to be human. So, after the news came of my Dad's passing, I sobbed and sobbed. He was so important in my life. But, the following morning, at 6:00 am, Dad fully manifested before me in my bedroom. His appearance and what he said filled me with joy, and proved to me once again that we do indeed move on, that death is but a doorway, a portal, to another state of consciousness that is ongoing and forever.

I've had an opportunity to see how numerous near-death experiencers handle the death of a spouse or relative or close friend. I can say, without exception, that they come through their grief quicker and in a loving way, and go on with their life stronger and more centered than before. I have yet to see an experiencer, or even hear of one, that fell apart because of a death, and be unable to handle it. Because this is true, I must disagree with you. The near-death experience does indeed illuminate what seems so final. It does indeed help others as well to realize that death ends nothing but the physical body. Who we are, our real self, our soul, does not die and cannot die, any more than energy can cease to exist. It cannot cease to exist. All energy does is change form. That's us, too. Dying enables us to pass from one form to another. Any pain comes from holding on, attaching ourselves to the way we believe a human being must be. It is that attachment that brings us pain. Yes, grief is healthy. We miss our loved ones when they are gone, but their beingness has only altered in shape and form. It has not died. This I know.

In that knowledge, I send you love and support. Breathe through what is now happening with your Dad. Be there for him if you can. Do what you can. But always know that death is not final. It gifts us with a doorway to move into and through, to another state of consciousness, another way of existence. Accept the gift. It is worth accepting. PMH

QUESTION:

"I have read many NDE's. They say they see what they believe in. If they think they are going to hell, they see hell. Or, Jesus, Buddha, and so on. My question is: What do people see who have studied NDE's? It seems to me that they would have an advantage. If I knew that I was facing sudden death, for example if a train was coming at me, I would right away think on the God of Love and envision a beautiful paradise. The first question I would ask once on the other side is: Did I accomplish my mission?"...Dianna

ANSWER:

This is a loaded question, as people do not necessarily see in near-death states what they want or expect to see. In fact, they seldom do. So the old notion that if you think you're going to hell, you will, doesn't hold up. What does hold up is, in the deeper core of us, what we really believe in our heart of hearts (and few people are in touch with that deeper level of self), that is what tends to color our near-death episodes. In that sense, we get what we need. . . not necessarily what we want. Big difference! The scenarios people have do correspond. . . to our deeper issues. Seldom do they correspond to base emotions, feelings, or claimed beliefs.

For people who already know about near-death states, what do they see? Same issue as "wants versus beliefs." Same results. The only person I know of, thus far, where what was previously known made a difference in the scenario, was the case of Mellen-Thomas Benedict. He was well-informed about the phenomenon as he lay dying of a brain tumor. When the moment of death came, he passed through a tunnel and on to a scenario typical of what he was familiar with. He then shouted out something to the effect: "Hey, this is my experience, and I want something different." Immediately, his near-death scenario switched around to a tour of the universe that focused on solutions and inventions as problem solvers for humankind. He changed it by force of will, and got something entirely different - totally foreign to him - that still corresponded with the deeper core interests and issues in his life. He got exactly what he needed, even though he willfully asked for something else. The result? An alteration of imagery, not message. PMH

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

*** The Friday Afterlife Report that comes from Victor Zammit in Australia is a free service. Just let him know you want to be on his mailing list. His e-mail address has changed. You can reach him at victorzammit@optusnet.com.au.

*** October 16-17, IANDS Conference, San Diego, CA. This is a big one. If you've ever wanted to attend a conference on the near-death experience, or more importantly if you are an experiencer, this one is for you! Hurry and register. It's next month. Register at www.iands.org. It is held at Mission Valley Resort. To register there call 1-800-362-7871. I'll be in attendance, so will many others. Great program!

*** The next Spiritual Retreat for Near-Death Experiencers is July 15-18, 2010. It is not too early to make plans and register. Contact: http://neardeathexperiencers.org.

*** Alan Hippleheuser writes an ongoing series of articles on the near-death phenomenon for "Examiner.com" in Washington, D.C. A link to one of his latest articles is http://www.examiner.com/x-14796-Near-Death-Experiences-Examiner~y2009m8d19-Author-and-expert-Atwater-states-neardeath-experiences-are-fact-in-todays-news-of-NDEs.